I lost two days to the fever.
I know that because the motel clerk knocked on Thursday to ask if I was dead. I said no through the door. He said checkout was eleven and left.
Most of those two days I spent on top of the comforter with my laptop burning my thighs, reading about Vibrio vulnificus until the words stopped meaning anything. Aggressive IV therapy. Two to four weeks inpatient. Possible debridement. Mortality rate climbing every day you wait.
Weeks. That was the number. Not months. Weeks.
I counted my money on the bedspread like a kid counting Halloween candy. Three hundred and forty dollars in twenties and fives, some of it damp. A punch card for a coffee place in Astoria, two stamps from free. My father's watch, the one I'd taken with me when I left New York, stopped at 4:20 for the last nine years. I'd tried to sell it once in Aberdeen. The man behind the counter turned it over, looked at me, and said the crystal was cracked and the movement was shot and he'd give me fifteen bucks for the band.
I'd said no. I don't know why. Pride, probably. It's always pride with me. Look where it got me.
Saturday morning I woke up soaked. The sheets, my shirt, my hair. I sat on the edge of the bed and let the room finish spinning. Then I stood up and got dressed.
The cleanest thing I owned was a navy button-down shirt and dark jeans without holes in them. I had one pair of boots. I scrubbed the salt line off them with a washcloth and hot water. I washed my hair in the sink with motel shampoo and dried it with a towel that smelled like other people. I looked in the mirror.
My cheeks had gone hollow. There were shadows under my eyes the color of a bruise. My collarbones stuck out like a coat hanger under the shirt.
I thought, he'll see this and he'll understand. He'll see my face and he'll remember who I am.
Seven years and I still believed things like that.
The drive took forty minutes. The rain had stopped and everything was wet and shining. I could see the estate from a half mile out. The whole hillside was lit up gold. Cars stacked at the gate, black and low, valets in white gloves opening doors for women who stepped out one shoe at a time.
I parked my truck two hundred yards down the road, past the last of the caterers' vans, so nobody would have to look at it.
I walked up the drive.
Nobody stopped me. That's the thing I keep coming back to. A woman like me walks up a driveway like that and the security men look at the clipboard and then they look at your face and they hesitate, because they can't tell if you're the help or a problem or someone's mother. One of them said, "Ma'am?" and I said, "Autumn Walker," and he checked the list and his eyebrows moved, just slightly, and he let me pass.
My name was on the list.
Somebody had put it there.
The ballroom hit me like a wave. Heat and perfume and light. Chandeliers throwing splinters everywhere. A string quartet in the corner sawing through something bright. Two hundred people in black tie, maybe more, glasses lifted, teeth showing, the low roar of rich people enjoying themselves.
I took three steps in and the roar changed pitch.
It starts small. One woman sees you and her smile freezes in place. She touches her husband's arm. He turns. Then the couple beside them turns. It travels outward like something dropped in water. By the time I reached the middle of the floor there was a soft channel opening in front of me, people stepping back an inch, then two, holding their drinks against their chests like I might brush them.
Someone behind me said, "Is that a caterer?"
Someone else said, "God, look at her hands."
I kept walking. I've swum through water so dark I couldn't see my own regulator bubbles. I've reached into the reeds and found a face. A room full of people in silk is nothing. I told myself that. I told myself that the whole way across the floor.
Then I saw her.
Laylani stood by the champagne tower in emerald silk, laughing at something the mayor's wife was saying, one hand resting on the older woman's forearm like they'd been friends for decades. Her hair was up. Diamonds at her ears.
And on her wrist, catching the chandelier light and throwing it right at me, Diana's bracelet.
She saw me. It took less than a second. Her chin lifted maybe a quarter inch and her eyes found mine across sixty feet of parquet floor, and she smiled.
Not the warm one. The other one. The one underneath.
She raised her champagne glass. Just an inch off her hip, angled toward me, so small nobody standing beside her would ever notice. A toast. Between us. Then she turned back to the mayor's wife and laughed at something, her head tipping back, her throat long and pale.
My chest went hot. Not fever. The other thing.
I scanned the room for Adonis. There, past the ice sculpture, the back of a charcoal suit, gray at the temples now, a circle of men around him. Forty feet. I could make forty feet.
I got twelve.
"What are you DOING here?"
The quartet kept playing for another two bars and then stopped.
Kye stood in front of me in a little black tuxedo with a real bow tie. Twelve years old and his face was the color of a slapped hand. He was shaking. Every eye in that room came down on us like a lid closing.
"Kye," I said. "Sweetheart—"
"Don't call me that!" His voice cracked on the second word, and I watched him hate himself for it, and push louder to cover it. "This is Dad's birthday! Do you know how many people are here? Do you know who these people ARE?" He flung an arm at the room. His eyes were wet and furious. "You show up looking like — like that — you're EMBARRASSING him! You embarrass everybody! You always do!"
That word. Embarrassing. He didn't get it from a twelve-year-old. It sat in his mouth like something borrowed and too big.
"I just need to talk to your father," I said. Quiet. Level. "Two minutes. Then I'll go."
"GO NOW!"
He put both hands on my chest and shoved.
I weighed a hundred and eleven pounds that night. I've been hit by a current that put me sideways into a piling and I stayed on my feet, but I had nothing left in my legs, and I went backward into a waiter carrying a full tray.
The sound was enormous. Glass everywhere, a bright rain of it across the parquet, champagne soaking through my jeans at the knee. The waiter went down on one hip, swearing. Somebody screamed and then laughed at herself for screaming.
I didn't fall.
I got my heel down and my hand on the edge of a table and I stayed up. There was glass in my palm. I could feel it, small and clean, right through the rope scar.
Then the room went quiet. Truly quiet. Two hundred people and I could hear the ice sculpture dripping.
And then it started — the whispers, the little coughs of laughter behind hands, that particular sound wealthy people make when they've decided something is entertainment.
I straightened up. I let go of the table.
I looked at my son.
He was breathing hard, fists still curled, chin up, waiting for me to yell or cry or run. His lower lip was trembling and he clamped his teeth over it.
I didn't look away. I didn't blink. I stood there in the middle of that shining floor with champagne in my boots and glass in my hand and I looked at his face, and I kept looking, until his eyes slid off mine and dropped to the floor.
He was five years old the last time I held him. He used to fall asleep with his fist closed around my thumb.
"Okay," I said.
One word. That was all I had.
Behind him, the crowd shifted, and the charcoal suit turned around.
