2: 2
But I fell anyway.
Lawrence darted to my side on instinct.
Then, the instant his hands touched me, he snatched them back.
The fall hurt. It hurt down to the bone.
Lawrence went stiff, at a loss.
"That… I thought you were faking it, throwing a fit at me on purpose."
"I didn't think you'd actually fallen."
The air went quiet again.
Lawrence crouched down carefully and held out his hand to me.
"Cecily… you're not still angry, are you?"
I shook my head again.
"Lawrence, I told you. I'm never going to be angry again."
"It was my fault before. I was too sensitive, too suspicious. I didn't give you space. I'm sorry, and I promise I won't do it again."
Lawrence froze once more.
"Never mind that. If something's on your mind, just say it. If you're upset, let it out. Don't bottle it up."
He drew a deep breath, crouched down, and held me tight.
"Cecily, have you forgotten what I told you before?"
Before.
Before, my emotional condition made me turn Lawrence down again and again when he was pursuing me.
But he kept at it, insisting his love for me was real.
No matter how much I needed from him, he swore he'd always be there to catch it, that he'd never let me down.
Whether I lost my sense of safety in the middle of the night or woke up sunk in a low mood, one phone call was all it took. No matter how important whatever he was doing, Lawrence would come right away.
He learned every one of my food preferences, all my little habits.
Even the ones that ran exactly opposite to his own.
He just smiled about it.
"My only fear is that I'm not doing enough, that I'm letting you down."
Later I came to see my own oversensitivity more and more clearly, but I also felt the depth of Lawrence's devotion.
Little by little, I learned to hide what I needed and to push my feelings down.
I was truly afraid my "illness" would scare him off.
But I was just too sensitive. Feelings pressed down inside, piling up day after day, and my depression and anxiety only grew worse.
The day I was diagnosed, Lawrence held me tight and told me, solemn and firm,
"Cecily, whatever is on your mind, you have to say it."
"I'd rather you fight with me than keep it locked up inside."
I took it to heart. Every time something didn't sit right with me, I made myself calm down and talk it through with him.
At first, he really did explain the things that bothered me, gently and patiently.
"I didn't hold your hand on the street because it was too hot out."
"I didn't check in every day on my business trip because I wanted you to learn to manage on your own."
"Susannah Henson and I are honestly just coworkers. Baby, I can't cut off every woman I know just because you're sensitive."
But back then, it truly did hurt.
As if something under the surface kept telling me his behavior meant he no longer loved me.
Two little figures inside me tore at each other. One told me I couldn't let him down. The other insisted his behavior meant he didn't love me enough.
I felt like my illness was getting worse.
"I'm sorry… I didn't want to fight with you… I shouldn't be so suspicious."
But Lawrence had already leaned down and kissed me.
"It's a good thing my baby's suspicious. It means you care about me."
That's what he said back then.
"A rose always has thorns. I want to raise my baby into the brightest, sharpest rose, so no one else can ever pluck her away."
But the further we went,
the more worn out we both became.
"There's no need, Lawrence. Really. I really won't get angry."
"I really will never fight with you again."
I dug my medical records out of my bag, wanting to show him.
And sure enough, he tensed on instinct.
"You went to the hospital these past few days?"
Right after that came the accusation.
"Your illness really is serious. My coworkers were just teasing Susannah and me, making us link arms for a toast and kiss on the cheek at the team outing, and you got yourself so upset you ended up in the hospital?"
"Baby, I can put up with your temper. But once you step out that door, who's going to coddle you like this?"
I stayed calm.
"What did the doctor say? Do we need to…"
Before I could finish, his phone rang.
A shrill, breathy woman's voice came through.
"Mr. Landon… there's a cockroach in the office… I'm so scared… aaahhh, can you come right now?!"
Lawrence sprang up and was gone in a blink.
A long time passed.
Only then did his message pop up on my phone.
【*I'll be right back. Susannah's afraid of bugs.*】
Something in me finally seemed to stir.
Not anger. Just the irony of it, and a small sense of clarity.
Independent or not, clingy or not.
Loving someone needs no reason.
Not loving someone comes with ten thousand of them.
He simply didn't love me anymore.
Calmly, I typed into the chat box.
【*Lawrence, let's break up.*】
