I started keeping a list in my head. No paper — paper could be found. Just a running tally, stored somewhere behind my eyes, where no one could take it from me.
Lydia's morning sickness came and went on a schedule that had nothing to do with mornings. It appeared when Azrael walked into a room. It disappeared the moment he left. I watched her press the back of her hand to her forehead, close her eyes, breathe through her nose with practiced fragility — and then, thirty seconds after he rounded the corner, reach for a second helping of the lamb chops she claimed made her nauseous.
I noted it. Filed it. Said nothing.
Her cravings changed depending on who was in the room. With the doctor's wife, it was fresh fruit and sparkling water, clean and virtuous. With Azrael's mother on the phone, it was her grandmother's recipe for arroz con leche, something warm and nostalgic. With the housekeeper, nothing at all — she barely ate, just picked at her plate, playing at the quiet suffering of a woman carrying a difficult pregnancy.
I watched her hand on her belly. She touched it theatrically, always for an audience, always timed to the beat of a conversation she wanted to redirect. But when she sat alone in the sunroom, thinking no one could see — I could see, from the hall, through the gap in the door — her hand rested in her lap. Just her hand. Not on the bump. Not performing anything for anyone.
Five years in a federal facility teaches you things no college course ever could. It teaches you how to read a room in three seconds. How to spot a lie before the liar finishes telling it. How to survive by watching, and waiting, and keeping your mouth shut until the moment arrives.
I was watching. I was waiting.
The bump itself hadn't changed in three weeks. I'd been here long enough to notice. A real pregnancy at this stage should be shifting, growing, the body making new accommodations week by week. This one stayed the same. Neat. Symmetrical. Convenient.
I filed that too.
---
Three nights later, Azrael told me to clean the study.
Not the housekeeper. Me. He said it the way he said everything now — flat, like he was reading from a list, like I was a task he'd already forgotten before he finished assigning it. I took the cloth and the polish from the supply closet and went in after midnight, when the penthouse was quiet.
The study smelled like him. Leather and cedar and the particular cold of a room that runs its air conditioning too high. I wiped down the shelves first. Then the desk. I worked methodically, the way I'd learned to do everything — no wasted motion, no sentiment.
I pulled open the bottom drawer to dust the interior.
And there it was.
A silver frame, face-down. I turned it over without thinking.
New Year's Eve. A Brooklyn rooftop. The skyline behind us, fireworks going off in white and gold, and me — laughing, head thrown back, Azrael's arms around me from behind, his chin on my shoulder, grinning at something I'd just said. I remembered what it was. I remembered the exact joke, the exact cold of that night, the way he'd smelled like the whiskey we'd been sharing from a single glass because neither of us had thought to bring cups.
I stood there in the dark study and looked at the girl in that photo for a long time.
She had no idea. That was the thing that got me. She was so completely, stupidly unaware of everything that was coming. She was just laughing, just warm, just held.
I carried the frame to the kitchen.
I set it in the sink. I found the box of matches in the utility drawer — I'd seen the housekeeper use them for the candles on the dining table — and I struck one.
The flame caught the corner of the photo first. Then it spread across the sky, across the fireworks, across my own face. His face went last, curling brown at the edges before it went black. I watched it all the way to the end. I didn't look away. I didn't blink.
I didn't cry.
There was nothing left to cry for. That girl in the photo had already spent five years crying in a prison cell. She'd cried herself empty. What was left after empty wasn't grief anymore. It was something cleaner. Harder. Something that didn't have a name yet but felt, in the dark of a kitchen that wasn't mine, a great deal like clarity.
I turned on the tap and washed the ash down the drain. Grey water, then clear.
I dried my hands on the dish towel, folded it back over the oven handle, and went to my room.
I had a list to finish keeping.
