Mommy's eyes were filled with nothing but love as she looked at Sean.
I never once had that treatment.
After I fell ill, I was always alone in the hospital room. Every time she visited me, she would leave in a hurry.
Once, I tried making her stay. I tugged at the hem of her shirt, asking feebly and meekly if she could stay for a longer while.
However, she forcefully pried my fingers off. Her gaze had zero ounce of warmth.
"Ivan, you're a big boy. How can you still be so immature?"
Her words hurt me. I slowly retracted my hand.
However, I still could not understand. I was just a child too. I just wanted her to spend more time with me.
After she left, I struggled to open the plain porridge she had brought me.
I swallowed it bite by bite, mixed with my tears. One of the nurses felt sorry for me. She would come take care of me during her breaks.
When Mommy found out about it, she yelled at the nurse.
I lay in bed, confused, as her shrill voice pierced my eardrums. I wanted to stand up for the nurse.
She was just looking out for me.
Mommy cut me off. "She's just a nurse. Why should she only care for you but not others? Who knows what the hell she's up to? Besides, you're just in bed all day. Why do you need her care?! She's just being nosy!"
Mommy yelled at me and ended up slapping me on the face.
It hurt, but I stopped the tears from falling. I tried my best not to cry. I told myself that Mommy was just concerned about me.
However, at that moment, I could no longer lie to myself.
I was dead.
After Mommy finished feeding Sean the chicken soup, she started coaxing him to go to bed.
Her phone, placed by the side, kept ringing.
I was in a daze looking at the phone number on the caller screen. It was from the hospital.
Mommy looked at her phone and furrowed her brows.
Sean opened his eyes in confusion and asked, "Mommy, what's going on? Is there an emergency?"
Mommy silenced her phone and smiled. "It's nothing. It's just a scam call. Go to bed, Sean. Once you're up, I'll take you out to play."
Sean was my younger brother's new name. When he fell sick, Mommy went around asking for blessings. She got a fortune teller to change his name, hoping that this would bring him peace and health.
However, she had never once done that for me.
After Sean fell asleep, Mommy took her phone out of the room and gently closed the door behind her.
The hospital called her four times, but she never once answered their calls.
I hovered in mid-air, looking on.
She furrowed her brows impatiently. "Why the hell is Ivan being so immature? Sean needs care right now. Ivan has so many doctors and nurses to look after him. Why is he still calling me?"
Then, she deleted the hospital's phone number.
I was stunned to hear what she said.
So, that was what she thought of me. I was just a burden to her.
I remember once, right after Sean was discharged from the hospital, I had to go for another dialysis treatment.
Before being wheeled into the dialysis room, a heavy storm raged outside. Thunder roared, lightning splitting the sky.
I lay on the hospital bed, trembling in fear, begging the doctor to let me use a phone.
When the call finally connected, my voice broke.
"Mommy, it's raining so heavily outside. I'm scared. I'm going for another round of dialysis soon. Can you come and be with me?"
The doctor standing next to me sighed and shook his head.
Mommy replied, "Ivan, can you behave? If I go and see you, who will look after Sean?"
I covered my ears, trying to block out the thunderous booms from outside the window, yet her words stabbed into me painfully.
I asked once more, "You can bring Sean along as well. Mommy, I'm begging you."
Tears fell as I kept pleading with her.
She paused for a while before berating me.
"Ivan, are you cursing your brother? He's just been discharged. How could you ask him to return to the hospital again? How can you be so immature?
"You're really just a bringer of misfortune. I was cursed to give birth to you! Just go for your treatment. If not, you can go ahead and die."
