1: 1
Fresh out of grad school, I spent three months begging my boyfriend, a professional career planner, to help me map out my job search.
But it was always the same. He was too busy, or my major was worthless with no real prospects.
We stopped speaking for a whole month, until he finally caved.
He agreed to help me move my things out of the dorm and back to our place.
I packed everything and waited, on my feet until they ached and the sky went dark.
All I got was one message from Paul Walker:
"Traffic's bad. Our place isn't far from your school anyway. Just move it slowly, on your own."
I told myself to be understanding, and dragged the heavy boxes along inch by inch.
I finished, wrung out, and then I saw him in the campus group chat.
【*Confession post! Our department's genius senior has been helping Janet Henson from the dance department plan her whole career, and now he's mapped out the next ten years for the rest of us too. What a steal!*】
The man who always found me such a hassle had put together a whole stack of planning materials for another girl, without a single complaint.
The group chat blew up. So did something inside me.
My throat went tight, and out of spite I texted him that I wanted the strawberry cake from that shop by the campus south gate.
Three hours later, he finally replied:
【*Sold out.*】
But I was standing not far behind him, watching him hand that strawberry cake to the girl beside him with a smile all over his face.
"I remember strawberry's your favorite. Eat up."
"You're so good to me, senior. You bought me way more than I can finish~"
I stared at the two of them drifting further away as the shop clerk asked what cake I wanted.
I pointed at the blueberry cake off to the side, the one I hated most.
"That one."
I didn't want the strawberry cake anymore. From now on the life I planned for myself wouldn't have him in it either.
1
I took the cake and wandered down the street with nowhere to go.
I don't like blueberries. Even the smell makes me sick, and too much sends me into an allergic fit, vomiting.
But like some kind of self-punishment, I ate it one spoonful at a time.
As if that could prove I'd be fine without Paul.
The sting climbed up my nose until it went numb, and I forced it back down along with the tears.
Halfway down the street, my phone buzzed.
It was Paul's belated 'concern.'
【*Are you mad?*】
【*The strawberry cake really was sold out. I'll go earlier next time and get it for you.*】
【*Be good. It's just a strawberry cake. Do you really have to throw a fit?*】
I gave a bitter little laugh and was about to tell him it wasn't necessary, that none of it would be necessary anymore.
Then I heard that familiar laughing and teasing, and looked up to catch the two of them sitting on a bench by the road.
Feeding each other cake, flirting.
"Hey, who said you could eat that strawberry one? Give it back!"
"I bought it. I can't eat it now? Who made that rule?"
"You bought it for me, so you have to listen to me. I don't care, give it back!"
Janet pretended to pry his mouth open, and Paul caught her finger between his lips. Her face went red all the way to her earlobes.
My heart lurched, and the cake slipped from my hand to the ground, drawing both their eyes.
Once Janet saw it was me, she hopped off Paul's lap on her own.
"Senior, why are you here?"
"Don't get the wrong idea. He just felt bad about how hard my job search has been and bought me a little cake."
Paul's face soured.
"I just told you the strawberry cake was sold out, and you went and followed me on purpose?"
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. This was the road he and I had walked on countless dates.
He'd bought me strawberry cake here more times than I could count, said he could walk this road with his eyes closed and never forget it.
And now he'd forgotten it this fast. His heart had turned this fast.
I blinked back the sting in my eyes and gathered up what was left of the cake.
"I was just passing by to buy cake. Didn't mean to interrupt your fun."
His face changed, and he stepped in front of me.
"Didn't I already tell you the strawberry cake was sold out? What are you still sulking about?"
His eyes swept to the blueberry cake in my hand, and his voice took on an edge of urgency.
"You're allergic to blueberries. Are you eating that on purpose just to spite me? Who's going to answer for it if you make yourself sick?"
There was a time he'd swear to me, over and over, that as long as he was there,
he would clear away every 'blueberry trap' around me.
But now, all I was to him was a hassle.
I curved my lips.
"Don't worry. Even if I end up in the hospital, I won't trouble you for so much as a finger."
I lifted my chin toward Janet.
"You'd better go eat your strawberry cake. It won't taste as good once the cream melts."
Janet bit down on her fork, the corners of her eyes going soft and red.
"Senior, if you want it, you can have mine. I wasn't trying to take him from you…… Don't blame him……"
With that, I tossed the trash in my hand and walked away.
I hadn't gone far before my whole body started to itch, my vision went black, and I dropped to the ground.
I'd been so busy sulking that I forgot that shop used real ingredients, and had surely packed in plenty of blueberries.
Right before I blacked out completely, I thought I heard Paul calling out for me, frantic.
I couldn't help mocking my own imagination. How could he possibly care whether I lived or died.
In the muddled dark, the pain in my body dragged me back awake by force.
I opened my eyes to a pale wall, and Paul's knitted brows.
"Do you really have to take the act all the way to the hospital? You've scared Janet half to death. Get up and apologize to her."
I opened my mouth and no words came. My throat hurt like it had been run over by a car.
The doctor beside me couldn't stand it.
"The patient is still being treated for anaphylactic shock. She can't be moving around……"
"I get it, you're in on the act with her too. Keep it up long enough and you'll believe it yourselves."
I couldn't be bothered to explain, and looked at the doctor with guilt.
Paul's chest heaved with fury. He gave a cold snort, turned, and left.
Leaving me alone to get through a whole afternoon of treatment.
By the time night fell, the doctor finally told me I could be discharged.
"You should let your family know to come get you. It's not good for you to go home alone."
The doctor meant well with the reminder, but all I could give was a bitter smile.
My parents divorced when I was little. My mother never cared for me, and my father, the one who always looked after me so tenderly, had passed away long ago.
I used to be foolish enough to believe Paul would protect me for the rest of my life.
But the truth was laid out in front of me, raw and bloody, and I couldn't keep lying to myself.
A storm was pouring down outside. I dug up the email my overseas advisor had sent me months ago, the one offering me a spot to study abroad.
I'd fought tooth and nail for that spot a year earlier.
Back then Paul had been dead set against it. He didn't want to go through the pain of a long-distance relationship.
He'd said anything to keep me by his side, to never be apart.
He'd promised to give me a stable future, guaranteed he'd pull every connection in the planning industry to find me a steady job.
I naively believed him, and firmly gave up going abroad.
I looked at the reminder: only two days left before the deadline.
I hesitated a moment, and then my finger pressed the 'confirm' button after all.
If there was no place for me in Paul's eyes, then I didn't need to hold on either.
