In the three full years since my death, this was the first time the two of them had been this happy.
They truly loved Lucy.
As for me...
A woman who'd been dead for three years, no matter how unwilling, how could she take away the happiness they wanted?
My eyes burned. I turned my face away before they could see and nodded.
"Okay."
I didn't know when I would disappear.
Since the only person they wanted to see was Lucy,
then I would give them exactly that.
When they heard my answer, father and son threw their arms around me at the same time.
Neil's voice cracked again.
"Lucy, thank you..."
"Thank you for forgiving me. And thank you for being willing to be Kent's mom."
Kent was still so little. All he knew was to burrow deeper into my arms, echoing his father's thank-yous.
I caught their scent, and the world tilted.
After all these years, they still smelled like gardenia.
It used to be my favorite scent.
I'd always bought that same gardenia detergent to wash their clothes.
Kent would cling to my legs whenever I hung the laundry out to dry, nuzzling against me:
"Mommy smells so good! So, so good!"
And Neil would always tell me:
"Every time I catch that gardenia on you, it makes me feel like everything's going to be all right."
It was a scent that belonged to the three of us alone.
Now they carried that same scent while holding another woman's body.
The revulsion rose in me, sharp and wordless.
I pushed them away and held my breath.
"What's that smell on you two? It's way too strong."
Neil lifted his sleeve and sniffed, then went rigid.
Kent answered for him.
"It's gardenia! Daddy said it was Mommy's fav—"
Before he could finish, Neil clapped a hand over his mouth.
"Just regular detergent. If you don't like it, we'll switch to something else tomorrow."
Neil explained it away, careful, measured, watching my face the whole time.
By the next day, the scent was gone.
Replaced by a fruity fragrance. The kind I used to hate.
And Kent kept tugging at my sleeve, asking if I liked it.
I looked at that small, eager face.
I lied and nodded, and told myself one more time to let go of the past.
I wasn't Rachel anymore.
I had to play the part of Lucy, and play it well, until the day she came back.
Slip in quietly. Slip out the same way.
That way, I could still fool myself.
At least in my memories, our little family would stay perfect, untouched.
For Neil and Kent now,
"Lucy's" feelings mattered most.
Because they thought "Lucy" wouldn't like it,
Neil took off his wedding ring on his own. A pale band of skin remained where the gold had been.
Because they thought Lucy wouldn't want to see anything connected to Rachel,
Kent tucked the keepsake locket I'd made with my own hands inside a drawer and never wore it again.
Slowly, methodically, father and son erased every trace of me from their lives.
And all I could do was watch.
A few days before I was discharged, my period came. I lay curled on the hospital bed, shaking from the cramps.
Kent climbed up and wrapped himself around me, pressing his warm little body against my stomach to ease the pain.
Neil called in to work and drove home to make me a pot of warm lotus seed porridge, the same recipe he'd always made.
Everything was exactly the way it used to be.
But I knew they still hadn't recognized me.
Neil lifted the spoon to my lips.
"Come on, drink it while it's hot. You'll feel better once it's in you."
It was only sweet, warm porridge. But somehow it stung my eyes until I couldn't see.
