01
After I had the baby, Bruce Delgado told me to stay home and be a full-time wife. He'd support me, he said.
I believed him. I quit my job as CFO, a seven-figure salary, gone.
During my recovery month I wanted to visit my parents, and he washed the car right away and drove me over.
He hit the gas.
"Gas money, a hundred. I'm taking it out of next month's allowance, all right?"
After the baby was born, I got exactly three hundred dollars a month for spending money. Add another twenty if I slept with him.
I wanted to buy a bottle of water. He docked two dollars from my allowance.
Our daughter went into the incubator. He docked two hundred eighty from my allowance.
My milk duct clogged and I spiked a fever. I begged him to take me to the hospital. He just looked at me, cold.
"Your allowance this month won't cover a hospital visit."
But I'd caught a glimpse of his phone.
He'd wired fifty-two thousand to his ex-girlfriend. Caption: Happy Birthday.
I stared at the eight dollars left in my allowance.
And suddenly I thought, this marriage, I could just end it and be done.
……
My chest throbbed. My eyes stung from the fever.
But I still saw it clearly, the girl in his chat wallpaper, smiling bright as a flower.
The ex he'd dated for seven years before he married me.
I rocked the baby, who wouldn't stop crying, my arms so numb I could barely feel them.
Bruce stared at his phone screen, the corner of his mouth curving up.
I was too weak for more than a whisper.
"Can you advance me next month's? I really can't hold out."
"Next month?"
His eyes swept over me and went back to the screen.
"Next month it's Amber's dog's birthday. I've got to send a gift. You'll have to budget."
I held the baby, patting his back over and over.
Before we married,
I said I wanted the new Cartier bracelet, and he didn't blink, spent half a year's salary, bought it.
I said I wanted a discontinued Montblanc vintage fountain pen, and he ran to seven antique markets, bought it.
I teased him once: "What if I wanted a star out of the sky? Would you go get that too?"
A few days later, a certificate arrived from NASA.
From then on there was a star up there called YinYin.
But ever since I had the baby and quit the seven-figure job,
three hundred dollars a month was all I got.
Not just my expenses. The baby's food, clothes, everything, all of it had to come out of that three hundred.
Tears blurred my vision.
"Then why can you wire fifty-two thousand to Amber Perez?"
I couldn't keep the crack out of my voice.
Bruce lifted his eyes to me.
"I wronged her back then. I just want to make it up to her a little. Don't get jealous over nothing."
He patted my shoulder. He made no move to take the baby from my arms.
"Besides, a clogged duct is common. Women of the older generation just tough it out. You don't need a hospital."
I clenched my teeth. "I want to go to the hospital."
He looked me up and down, his gaze stopping on the wet patch soaked through my left side.
He frowned. "You want to go out looking like that? You're not embarrassed?"
"You always love getting jealous over Amber. Take a good look at the gap between the two of you."
In his heart, Amber was the red rose, the pure moonlight.
I was the smear of blood on the wall, the disgusting grain of rice stuck to his shirt.
His disgust went into me like a needle straight through the heart.
I didn't answer. I turned and went back to the bedroom.
My back against the door, my legs gave out, and I slid down to the floor.
I stared at the account balance for a long time.
Eight dollars. Enough for a standard clinic ticket.
When I'd changed clothes and came out, Bruce was still on the balcony, smiling into a voice call.
"If you can't sleep, I can come keep you company."
"I've put the baby in the master bedroom," I said.
"Your mother said she's almost here. Watch him until she comes."
He was enjoying the call too much to even turn his head.
Outside, a fine drizzle was falling.
I walked along the roadside, and the wind blew against me, cold to the bone.
I pulled my clothes tighter.
The hospital was maybe a mile away, but it felt like I'd been walking a lifetime.
My steps grew heavier.
Rainwater slowly soaked through my pant cuffs and kept climbing.
My legs went weak, my feet like they were sinking into cotton.
As if the next second I'd lose my footing and drop right there on the road.
A taxi came by, and I forced my arm up and flagged it down.
I leaned my head in the window.
"Sir, can you take me to the hospital first? My family will pay you when I get back."
I lied to him. The truth was, no one at home would pay either.
I was so nervous my heart nearly climbed into my throat.
The driver curled his lip at me in disgust.
"No money and you're hailing a cab? Get lost, now."
I clung to the window and fumbled to unlock my phone. "I can borrow it. I can borrow the money."
My hand shook so badly I couldn't hold it still.
I scrolled through my whole contact list.
After I became a so-called "full-time wife," there were no more coworkers, and my old friends had stopped reaching out.
There was still only Bruce's number to call.
The call connected fast.
"Hello?" Amber's voice, soft and lilting, laced with a smile.
"He's in the shower. Who's this?"
I hung up right away.
Amber's number was the only one saved in Bruce's contacts.
He said it was a promise they'd made back when they were dating, to only save each other's number.
He said he couldn't be a man who broke his word.
But the promises he made to me.
He promised he'd keep his distance from Amber, that he'd take care of me and the baby, that he'd be with me forever.
Not one of them did he keep.
Rain ran down the edge of the window and into the car, and the driver rolled it up.
My hand got caught in it, and somehow my heart didn't hurt as much anymore.
When the taxi pulled away, it splashed mud all over me.
I don't know how long I walked. My body had gone numb.
The edges of my vision darkened, the sounds around me drifting further away.
On the way, I dialed that familiar number.
"Mr. Finch, I want to come back to work."
What Mr. Finch said back to me, I no longer know.
