He surveys me for another long minute, that perceptiveness lingering in his silver eyes. He sees more than he lets on, I think. Or at least, it feels that way.
I feel naked. Exposed. Trussed up like a butterfly on a pinboard, completely at his mercy.
And that softness... that tiny, almost-imperceptible tenderness in his face that says maybe there's a human with a beating, bleeding heart buried somewhere beneath the flawlessly symmetrical bone structure... it stays for just one moment too long.
I turn away. I can't let him look at me anymore. "If you need anything, sir, I'll be at my desk."
Then I brush past him and into the guts of Egorov Industries. I don't dare look back. But I can feel his eyes follow me all the way.
The rest of the day is a fight to keep my tears at bay enough for me to read the words on my computer screen. I tend to Dmitri's emails, file his papers, prep for his meetings and his travel and his many charity galas.
My work wife slash bestie, Syrah, pings me on the company chat channel late in the afternoon to ask if I want to hit a happy hour after work.
SYRAH MEHRA: If I don't get a margarita or five into my bloodstream ASAP, I'm going to put a staple in my eyeball.
My first instinct is to wince. I'm not gonna be having margaritas for a long time, am I? But Syrah doesn't know that. I'd planned on keeping the whole surrogacy thing under wraps for as long as possible at the office.
SYRAH MEHRA: So are you in or are you in???
Biting back my first half-smile of the day, I type back, Lol, so dramatic. As if your bloodstream isn't pretty much pure margarita at any given hour of the day anyway.
SYRAH MEHRA: Guilty as charged. Sue me. I like Mexican food.
WREN TURNER: Gonna have to pass today, though. I have a thing after work.
I feel weird as soon as I hit send on the message. A "thing" ... Is that the best way to describe going to potentially meet the man who impregnated you from afar without your knowledge? I don't think English has had the need to dream up such a word yet. I may be venturing into unexplored territory here. First woman on the moon type shit.
My fried-to-hell brain conjures up a brief image of one of Dmitri's sperm cells planting a little flag in my womb and I bust up laughing.
Mostly because, if I don't laugh, I'll cry.
SYRAH MEHRA: a THING??? As in, like, a date????!?!!
She follows it up with a frankly impressive string of emojis depicting how she thinks my night will go. There are a few too many eggplants, peaches, and water droplets for my liking.
WREN TURNER: lol. Not a chance. I'm planning on being a bitter old spinster with all my cats and knitting.
SYRAH MEHRA: I've been to your apartment, babes. You don't have cats and you don't knit. And you're too hot to be bitter and lonely. I could set you up with someone if you want. I've got a cousin...
WREN TURNER: First off, you have a thousand cousins, and my answer for all of them has been the same: thanks but no thanks. I love you but I'm just not in a space to be looking for romance right now.
SYRAH MEHRA: :( I know. I'll drop it. I just want to make sure you know how special and perfect you are. You're gonna make some guy feel so lucky one day.
WREN TURNER: <3 love you. Gonna wrap up and get out of here. Drink a marg for me.
I sign out of the chat and sigh. It only takes a little bit of time to organize my things and clear my desk. Turns out grief is actually kinda good for productivity, because I got a lot of stuff done. Dmitri hasn't been back to the office since our cringe-inducing encounter this morning, but even he wouldn't be able to criticize today's effort.
I open the desk drawer to drop in a sheaf of papers and something catches my eye. My heart leaps into my throat immediately, but I can't stop myself from reaching in and pulling out the gilded picture frame.
I don't really need to look at it-I pretty much see this picture every night before I go to sleep like it's tattooed on the back of my eyelids.
It's me and Rose on her wedding day, wearing matching silk bathrobes as I toy with her hair. We're looking at each other in the mirror and there's just something in her gaze and in mine that screams "love."
Come to think of it, it's weirdly akin to the tenderness in Dmitri's eyes from earlier.
I shake that thought off immediately. Dmitri Egorov is not physically capable of loving anyone like I loved Rose-except for maybe himself.
But this...
Fuck, I can remember this day. The room smelled like Rose's vanilla perfume and the roses set up on the vanity. She was so happy. This was before the endless procession of doctors, before dozens upon dozens of negative pregnancy tests, before the verdict that conceiving was gonna be a no-go for her.
There was nothing to be sad about. The future was bright and beautiful and rose-scented. Pun intended.
The longer I look at the picture, the more my heart seems to be strangling me from the inside out. So I quickly tuck it back in my desk and slam the drawer closed. But it's not fast enough to stop a single rogue tear from racing down my cheek and dropping onto the empty desktop.
I wipe it away, grab my purse, and stand.
I have a meeting with my baby daddy to get to.
When I get to Lifelines Bistro, I order a margarita immediately. If I don't, I'm gonna have a nuclear meltdown. My nerves are frayed beyond belief and I can't stop my hands from shaking.
Alcohol usually does the trick in these kinds of situations.
Unfortunately, no sooner have the words "make it strong" come to the tip of my tongue than do I remember that the entire reason I'm here in the first place precludes me from getting drunk at all.
So with a sigh, I amend to say, "Make it... virgin."
I pick a table in the corner with a vantage point of the front door and sit down. It's quiet in here tonight, which is a little weird for a Chicago Business District bar on a Wednesday at happy hour, but that's one of the reasons I picked it.
I want as few onlookers as possible to witness what might be the most awkward conversation of my life.
Uh, yeah, so we don't know each other, sir, but it seems like we're about to have a baby together.
Cue cringe vomiting.
The virgin margarita disappears down the hatch before I even realize how fast I'm drinking it. I need something to distract myself, even if this is placebo alcohol.
I order another one, mostly just to have something to do with my hands, and that goes down even easier. The thorny, recurring thoughts that have plagued me all day seem to retract their claws a little bit more with each and every sip.
Mocktail or not, it's helping.
I watch the door like a hawk, sparing an eye for the time on my phone every now and then. But fifteen minutes passes by, and no one shows.
Thirty minutes. Nothing.
I'm wearing a scarlet red blouse, just like I told Dr. Saeder to let the sperm donor know, so I'm pretty hard to miss. But as 5:45 P.M. comes and goes, I start to lose faith.
Maybe this was silly. What am I even hoping to gain from it? A co-parent? Someone to replace the role that Rose and Jared were supposed to fill? Hell no. Truth is, I don't even want this mystery man to have anything to do with this baby.
I just...
I don't even know. I just want to meet them, I guess. To look my baby's father in the face so I understand what kind of person has somehow snuck into the most intimate part of me.
But that's dumb, isn't it? It won't change anything. It won't bring back my family or make my life any less difficult.
This mystery man, whoever it is, can only make things harder.
I'm gathering my bag to go home so I can at least eat some ice cream and put this day from hell to bed when I accidentally knock my phone off the table. I bend down to scoop it up...
But before I can, a huge male hand grabs it from the floor for me.
Horror fills my gut before I even look up. It takes me a moment to understand why.
That scent.
Mint and cedar.
There's only one person in the world who smells exactly like that.
So, with my heartbeat pounding in my temples and the blood rushing in my ears, I drag my gaze from the tiled floor...
Past a pair of gleaming leather loafers...
Skimming up over muscular legs in well-fitted charcoal gray slacks... and a baby-blue-shirt-clad midsection I was fantasizing about literally this morning...
To look in the eyes of the last man on this planet that I would ever want to be the father of my baby.
Dmitri Egorov looks down at me and smolders.
