Alia
Have you ever felt like someone has taken your life, but you are unable to move? That's how I feel right now – trapped in a void. I thought of this house as a place full of hopes that vanished one by one, only to survive in the shadow of a love that was slowly killing me.
I remember that day clearly. I had just gotten out of my car, staggering from a pretty bad accident. Pain coursed through my body, but deep in my chest, there was an even deeper pain. It wasn't a physical wound, but a wrenching one that only my broken heart could understand. I tried to call Julian, hoping that his calm voice would provide a sense of security, even though I knew that behind that voice were many empty words that I had heard so many times over the past eight years.
But there was no answer.
There was just a dull ringing sound until it finally stopped. I closed my eyes and tried to push away the gnawing pain. I hoped for a miracle—that Julian would come to the rescue, or at least call and tell me he cared. But my hopes were dashed—just a dream that never came true.
Then I saw him. Julian. He was sitting in the car, next to Elis—his secretary, a woman who was always around him. They were laughing, laughing as if nothing was wrong, as if the world was theirs alone. Julian didn’t care that I was lying on the side of the road. He didn’t even turn his head in my direction.
Elis, with her innocence and spoiling, said, "I'm scared, Julian. What happened before? Why was the accident so bad?"
And Julian—oh, Julian—closed Elis's eyes gently, like a hero soothing his beloved. "Don’t be afraid, Elis," he said in a husky, loving voice. "I will take care of you."
I fell silent. My eyes were wet, tears welling up—not only from the physical pain that was getting worse but from the reality that was so painful. The two of them looked so happy, while I? I could only lie there, feeling my body getting weaker, with a heart that was about to break.
The ambulance came, and they took me to the hospital. I didn’t know if I was crying from the pain or from the reality that was becoming more painful. Julian, whom I had waited so long for, never showed up. No messages, no visits. Nothing.
I lay in the hospital bed for days, waiting for something—either hope or just attention from the person I had considered my lover. But nothing came. Finally, I recovered and returned to our apartment.
As I walked into the living room, I saw him. Julian was standing in the doorway, his face grim, as if the world had just taken away his happiness. Without saying much, he immediately gave me orders like a king. "Prepare the bathtub. I want to take a bath," he said in a flat, unemotional tone.
I just stared at him without saying anything. It was so clear that Julian didn’t care what happened to me. At that moment, my mind was filled with images of him and Elis—the two of them, so perfect in their world. And me? I was just a fading shadow.
I tried to hold back the tears, to hold back the anger that was beginning to burn. Without saying a word, I went to the bathroom to prepare warm water, as he had requested.
Five years. Five years of this routine. Every time Julian came home, I greeted him like a servant. Bow my head, take off my shoes, carry his bag, prepare his dinner—hoping for a little attention. Hope that never came. I’d cook, hoping he’d praise my cooking, but as time went on, that went away. He started criticizing every dish I made. "This food isn’t good," he would say without guilt.
And as always, I persisted. I still believed this was temporary. Julian just needed time for himself, and for Elis, of course. I still believed, even though my common sense told me otherwise, that one day he would come back to me. All my efforts to convince myself that it was only a matter of time only led to emptiness.
One night at dinner, I tried to talk to him. I could tell he was getting away from me. "Have you been so busy lately that you’ve been unavailable?" I asked, trying to find hope in his words.
He just shrugged and said flatly, "Yes, I’ve been busy. I’m leaving on a business trip the day after tomorrow."
My heart felt pierced. I tried to ask, "Can I go with you?" My voice sounded desperate, as if I hoped being with him would fix everything.
He laughed. Not a sweet laugh, but a painful one. "What will you do when you come? You’ll just be a burden," he replied without hesitation.
I tried to smile, even though my smile felt like a lie I couldn’t hold back. "Is Elis coming?" I asked in a barely audible voice.
"Yes, she will. I really need her on this trip," he replied without a hint of guilt.
My heart broke, but all I could do was smile. It was a bland smile, and in that moment, in the middle of the cold night, I felt like I no longer existed. I no longer mattered.
Still, I dared to ask, "Julian, have you planned our wedding?"
He didn’t answer right away. His expression was blank. "Alia," he said in an indifferent tone, "don’t make me think any more. You’ve been so talkative today. I’m so tired. I don’t have an answer. I’m busy."
I fell silent. Silent with a broken heart, an empty body, looking at him sunk in sleep as if I never existed. "That answer is enough to make me realize my position, Julian," I muttered to myself.
And I knew, in my broken silence, that I was beginning to understand that I no longer mattered and that I was leaving.
