I started the pasta at sunrise.
The kitchen was cold when I cracked the eggs into the well of flour. My fingers worked the dough until it turned silky under my palms. I rolled each sheet by hand. I cut the noodles thin. I simmered the meat sauce for four hours, the way Cody's mother used to, before she passed.
By four in the afternoon, the apartment smelled like garlic and browned butter. My back ached. My hair stuck to my forehead. I didn't mind.
It was New Year's Eve. We were going to sit together. We were going to eat together. That was the picture in my head.
I pulled the lasagna out of the oven at six. The cheese bubbled gold and brown on top. I slid on my oven mitts, lifted the dish, and carried it down the hall toward the living room.
I heard them laughing before I saw them.
Cody sat in the middle of the couch. Joshua leaned over one shoulder. Brooklyn was curled up against the other. A photo album lay open across their laps. Old pictures. Faded edges. A girl I didn't know, smiling out of every frame.
No. A girl I did know. Adelina.
Cody's finger traced her face slowly, almost tender. He shook his head and let out a soft laugh.
"She was the one who got away," he said.
Joshua snorted. "Dad. Come on."
"I'm serious." Cody tapped the photograph. "Look at her. Look at that smile."
Brooklyn leaned closer. "She's so pretty."
I stood in the doorway. The dish burned through the mitts. The steam rose past my face.
None of them looked up.
I waited. I don't know what I was waiting for. A glance. A word. The sound of my name in someone's mouth.
It didn't come.
I walked to the coffee table. I set the lasagna down. I straightened the edge of the trivet under it, because that's the kind of thing I do. Then I turned around and walked back out.
Nobody noticed.
The fire escape door stuck like it always does. I shoved it open with my shoulder and stepped outside.
The cold hit me like a slap. December air, sharp and metallic, smelling of someone else's chimney. My breath came out white. The city below sounded far away. Sirens, horns, the low hum of a Saturday night I wasn't part of.
I looked down at my hands. There was flour caked into the cuticles. A small burn on my wrist from the oven rack. A wedding ring that hadn't moved in fifteen years.
Fifteen years.
I thought of the Columbia letter folded in the back of my journal. I thought of the pasta I'd rolled this morning. I thought of every dinner I'd cooked, every fever I'd sat up through, every birthday cake I'd decorated past midnight.
And I thought of Cody's finger, slow and reverent, moving across another woman's face.
Something inside my chest didn't break. That would have been loud. This was quieter. It just went still.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket. My fingers shook. I told myself it was the cold.
I scrolled. Past the grocery delivery service. Past the pediatrician. Past the names of women who used to be my friends, before I forgot how to call them. I scrolled all the way down, past a decade of names I never used.
And then I stopped.
Julien Burke.
I stared at it. I hadn't seen that name in over ten years. I didn't even remember saving it. Maybe he'd put it in himself, the last time we'd spoken. A graduation party. A handshake that lasted a second too long.
My thumb hovered. The wind cut through my sweater.
I pressed call.
It rang once.
"Sara."
Just my name. Calm. Warm. Like he'd had the phone in his hand already.
I opened my mouth. Nothing came out. The tears finally came instead, hot and silent down my freezing face.
"Where are you?" he said.
"Home," I whispered.
A pause. Just one beat.
"Tell me when you can talk."
That was all. No questions. No why now, why me, why after all this time.
I nodded into the phone like he could see me.
---
Three days later, I walked into a wine bar in the West Village.
I'd told myself I would put on makeup. I didn't. I'd told myself I would wear something nice. I pulled on the oversized coat that lived by the door and went out before I could change my mind.
The place was small. Low lights. Dark wood. A record playing something old and soft.
He was already there.
He sat at a corner booth, facing the door. Two glasses of red on the table. He saw me the second I stepped inside. He didn't smile. He just stood up.
Julien Burke. Taller than I remembered. The boy who used to share my desk had grown into something else entirely. Charcoal coat. White shirt. The kind of stillness that filled the room before he said a word.
His eyes moved over my face. The dark circles. The dry skin. The hand I kept lifting to push my hair behind my ear because I didn't know what else to do with it.
Something tightened along his jaw. Just for a second. Then it was gone.
I sat down across from him. I wrapped both hands around the wineglass. I didn't drink.
He waited.
"Tell me everything," he said quietly.
And I did.
The pasta. The album. The finger tracing her face. The lasagna no one touched. The fifteen years of meals, of laundry, of staying small so they could feel big.
The words came out like water through a broken dam. I couldn't stop them. I didn't try.
He didn't interrupt once. He just watched me, very still, his hand resting near mine on the table without touching it.
When I finally stopped, the candle between us had burned down an inch.
He looked at me.
"Okay," he said. "Now we begin."
