He frowns, both because he got in trouble and because he doesn't understand why. Theo makes that face whenever I talk about our finances.
I kneel in front of him and pat his clean hair. Even in the terrible fluorescent bathroom lighting, I can see the gold streaks in it, the lightness that didn't come from my mostly Dominican roots. The shape of his face isn't like mine either. His is sharp-always has been, even when he had a layer of baby fat covering his cheeks-whereas mine is oval. I run my hand from his hair, down his cheek, and lift his chin until we're looking into each other's matching brown eyes.
"That was a cool volcano, though."
His eyebrows rise, and he smiles. "Really?"
"Really. I loved it, but next time, you need to ask Mama if it's okay, okay?"
"Okay," he repeats, still smiling at my compliment.
I Velcro his shoes on, pressing my thumb down over his toes to see how much longer this pair will last before I need to buy new ones. They fit for now, but he grew out of the last pair almost overnight, so I know I'll need to allocate the money sooner or later.
Then, I slip into my white sneakers, stained with oil splatters, and pull on my coat. Theo is proud of himself for putting his on without my assistance, but he still needs help with the zipper. I zip it up to his neck and then kiss his cheek. He pretends to be grossed out, but when I hold my arms out, he wraps his skinny legs around my waist and hugs me, forcing me to carry him out of the bathroom and into the hall. It doesn't take much convincing. I've been working a lot of overtime lately, and we don't get as much time together as I'd like. I'm happy to make the most of every minute I can.
I see a figure in a gym employee's uniform dart around the corner ahead of us towards the front desk and thank my lucky stars they weren't standing just outside the door as I came out. Kids aren't allowed in the locker rooms. If you do bring a child, you either need to skip your post-workout shower or check them into the in-house gym day care. It costs five dollars per hour, which I can't afford. Plus, Theo needs to bathe. Early-morning showers mean everyone who might care is usually still waking up for the day and too tired to pay attention to me or whatever rules I might be breaking. I pray our luck in that department continues.
When we get into the lobby, Theo wriggles out of my hold and runs across the lobby to press his face against the steamy gym windows. He likes drawing pictures in the condensation, and I spend so much time telling him "no" for other things that I can't bear to take this little pleasure away from him.
Our bus still hasn't arrived, but Shonda drives on Monday mornings, and she usually runs ten minutes later than the other drivers, so I figure we have another five minutes before she shows up.
I'm walking towards the tables and chairs closest to the doors to wait when my path is suddenly blocked. I pull up short, surprised. "I'm sorry," I say out of instinct.
"Apology not necessary," the front desk employee says. "I cut you off."
I smile and glance at his name tag-Ted. When I look back up at his face, his eyes are scanning my chest as though also looking for a name tag. Except, I don't have one. What I do have, however, is a thin T-shirt clinging to a slightly damp chest, and I have a gross feeling Ted is admiring the view. I cross my arms. "Why?"
He looks up like he's just remembered boobs are usually attached to a human being and pulls one side of his mouth up into a confident smirk. "I've seen you coming in here pretty regularly the last few months."
"I have a membership," I say, reaching into my pocket to pull out the membership card. If he reads it closely, he'll see it's a solo membership, not a family membership. The solo membership is cheaper, and the woman who usually mans the desk and scans my card as we enter either hasn't noticed Theo isn't on my plan or she's guessed at our situation and takes pity on us. Whichever one it is, I don't want to ruin a good thing, but I also don't want to be kicked out by an employee who is okay with openly ogling women's bodies while on duty.
Ted waves his hand. "I know. I'm just saying ... I've seen you."
I slide my hand deeper into my pocket, clutching the membership card even though he doesn't want to see it. Something in the way he says the words sends a chill down my back like some innate instinct from long ago, warning me of a predator. I look over towards Theo. He's drawing the outline of a Christmas tree in the glass, oblivious to our conversation.
"Oh," I say, trying to sound casual. "Yeah, I've seen you too. Working at the desk."
"Is that your son?" he asks, nodding towards Theo.
"Yes." I don't know why, but I feel like my answers are very important. Like I'm in a job interview.
Ted's eyes narrow and then drift down my body again. "You look too young to have a kid that old."
I cross my arms tighter, covering my chest. He's probably thinking exactly what everyone else thinks when they find out I have a four-year-old son. Teen mom, slut, another statistic. I've heard it all before, and I'm not about to hear it from Ted the Gym Pervert.
"Well, I'm not," I say coldly.
I try to walk past him, but he steps to the side, blocking my path again.
"Listen," I say, holding up a hand to warn him to keep his distance. "Whatever this is, I'm not interested in-"
"I see you come in every day, but you don't workout." He glances behind him to check that the desk is still empty and his fellow employee hasn't joined him yet. "You just come in, go straight to the showers, and leave."
I swear his pupils are larger than they were a second ago. His face is familiar in the way all predators seem familiar. There is hunger there, and I resist the urge to turn and run in the opposite direction. I stand taller, broadening my shoulders to look as big as possible, as though I'm trying to scare away a bear. "There are no rules against that."
He raises a brow, surprised by my fight, perhaps. Then, he nods towards where Theo is drawing a misshapen snowman. "There are rules against him, though. He isn't supposed to be in the showers with you."
I respond without glancing back. "He wasn't."
Ted's smile widens, and his white teeth glimmer in the yellow lighting. "Don't lie. Remember? I've seen you."
The same cold-egg-yolk-moving-down-my-spine feeling I had in the shower this morning returns, and I suddenly know without a doubt that Ted has been watching me bathe.
I've had the same feeling every time I've showered in the gym, and I thought it was just my own self-consciousness at being in the open, but now I realize my instincts picked up on the presence of a predator.
Suddenly, I remember all the footsteps I've heard over the months we've been coming here. There were times where the locker room door would beep like someone had opened the door, but then no one ever came in. Only, now I realize, they did. He did. And he watched me-naked and vulnerable-without my consent.
My stomach turns. I know this feeling all too well. The violation. I want to throw up, and when Ted's eyes assess me again, I know he doesn't need me to take off my coat to get an idea of what I'm hiding under it. He has already seen it.
"What do you want?" I ask, my voice low and icy. I glance back towards the doors and see the bus pulling into the parking lot. Theo sees it too.
"The bus is here," he calls, dragging his coat sleeve through his condensation drawing to erase it and moving towards the doors. "Come on, Mama."
"Nothing," Ted says with an innocent shrug that I recognize as a farce. Then, his face sharpens, and he looks down at me over the long slope of his nose. "I just thought maybe you could reward me for keeping your secret."
"I don't have any money."
