I kept my head down, and all at once the tears began to spill, one drop after another.
"But I want this baby. I do."
My throat ached around the words, and they came out thick and muffled.
Toby's hands went still.
He set down the tweezers, and a coldness slid into his voice.
"Addie, now isn't the time to be willful."
"Raising a child alone, that's basically being a single mother. You of all people should know how hard that is."
"Isn't that exactly why your mother killed herself when you were twelve—"
Toby stopped.
He reached up and rubbed the bridge of his nose, then offered an apology.
"I'm sorry, Addie. That was the wrong thing to say."
"If you really want to keep the baby, we can hire a nanny."
The room went quiet.
Then Toby's phone rang.
He grabbed it fast and stood, walking out to the balcony.
Through the glass, I couldn't hear a word he said.
But I heard it anyway.
The instant he saw who was calling, his heart slammed into a hard, racing beat.
I wiped the tears from the corners of my eyes, took out my phone, and booked the abortion.
Toby was right.
Being a single mother is no easy thing.
I wasn't willing to walk the same road my mother had, and I wasn't willing to die slowly the way she had, trapped in a loveless marriage.
So I wouldn't keep the baby.
And I wouldn't keep him either.
By the time Toby came back inside, I was already dressed and standing at the entryway.
"Addie, that was Daisy."
His face was calm, hiding nothing.
"She's making a fuss about checking out of the hospital, but her heart condition is already very dangerous."
"We were together once. In every sense, I can't just leave her to fend for herself."
Toby had always been this open about it.
When we first got together, he'd told me himself that he and Daisy had dated for a year.
Back then, I'd asked him.
"Toby, do you still love Daisy?"
His face hadn't changed at all.
"Not anymore."
I believed him.
But a mouth can lie. A heartbeat can't.
I forced a smile to my lips and didn't say another word about Daisy.
Instead, I pulled up the abortion appointment on my phone.
"Toby, I've decided. I'm not keeping the baby."
Toby froze.
He hadn't expected me to change my mind so fast.
"Addie, you—"
"I thought it over. Given where we are right now, it really isn't the right time for a child."
I cut him off and pushed the door open, stepping out.
"Let's go, Toby. Drive me to the hospital for the abortion."
In the car on the way there, neither of us spoke.
The silence in the car made me notice it for the first time.
Toby always kept a copy of the latest research on congenital heart conditions in his car.
This one bore the seal of the American research institute.
A finding from a week ago, not yet released to the public.
And Toby already had it in his hands.
Once, my grandmother's kidneys had developed a problem no one could diagnose.
I'd begged Toby, asked whether he could reach out to his mentor in America.
Take her test results and have the American research institute analyze them.
He'd frowned and refused me, righteous about it.
"Addie, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you."
"But my mentor, Milton, is ninety-three now. He retired from the American research institute a long time ago. We shouldn't trouble him with this."
My grandmother died the day before our wedding.
To the very end, she never saw me happy in a wedding dress.
