The hot pot place was throwing its tenth-anniversary party, running a game called "Carry your sweetheart across the finish line, win a discount voucher."
I'd gone to stand in line for ice cream, and when I turned around, there was my boyfriend, my best friend on his back, first across the line.
The waitress handed him the voucher with a bright smile.
"You're impressive. A full round trip and you're not even out of breath. What's your secret?"
His mouth curved with pride. "The secret is she's so light. I could go another mile without breaking a sweat."
Cecily Swanson's cheeks flushed pink. She teased, "You're just bragging, aren't you?"
He bent down at once as if to hoist her up again. "Don't believe me? Let's go again."
I froze where I stood.
My eyes stung.
I'm barely a hundred pounds, forty lighter than Cecily.
Last time I had acute gastroenteritis and threw up until I couldn't stand, I asked Amos Rowe to carry me from the hospital parking garage into the ER.
It wasn't even two hundred yards, and he looked at me like I disgusted him.
"You're this heavy and you still want me to carry you? Are you trying to wear me out?"
So it wasn't that I was too heavy.
It was that I weighed nothing in his heart.
1
The cold of the ice cream spread from my hand all the way into my chest.
And my heart went cold with it, slowly, all the way through.
Cecily saw me come back, cut across the crowd in a few strides, and ran up to me.
"Narelle Gilbert, Amos is amazing, did you see? He carried me just now and won us the ninety-percent-off voucher. Now we can save a ton of money."
She took the ice cream out of my hand, thrilled, and before it reached her mouth,
Amos snatched it away.
"You're on your period today, no ice cream. You'll get cramps."
Cecily pouted.
"Narelle, do something about your boyfriend. He fusses more than my mom. I only wanted one little lick, it's not a big deal."
His face darkened.
"No. Last time you had cold stuff and your stomach hurt, and I was the one who carried you to the hospital. Not a chance this time."
"I've got hot ginger tea in my thermos. Drink that."
Looking at Amos and that pretend-scolding face of his,
I suddenly felt this was all pointless.
He never remembered when my period was.
The day he carried Cecily to the hospital, I happened to be on mine too.
I mumbled under my breath, "My stomach hurts too."
But he said, impatient, "Could you not make trouble? Can't you see how much pain Cecily's in?"
After they left,
I curled up in bed hugging the blanket, hurting so much my body bent like a shrimp.
Not one word of concern came.
Never mind hot ginger tea, cooked and carried to me.
Cecily took the thermos Amos handed her like it was the most natural thing, and winked at me.
"You know, Narelle, you should be really grateful to me."
"If it weren't for me, would he ever be this thoughtful? You're going to have it good."
My throat felt stuffed with a wad of wet cotton.
I couldn't get a single word out.
I really should thank her.
Thank her for finally letting me see exactly where I stood in Amos's heart.
The ice cream in my hand had melted, running sticky down my fingers.
I made an excuse about the restroom and walked off quickly.
Really I just wanted a corner with no one in it, somewhere to swallow all the cold filling my chest.
Today was supposed to be our fifth anniversary, Amos's and mine.
We'd agreed to celebrate, just the two of us.
Because I had something very important to tell him.
Then Cecily said she wanted hot pot, and it turned into a party of three.
When I came back, Amos was feeding Cecily food he'd cooked in the pot.
"Eat, quick, this steak's done just right. Any longer and it'll be tough."
Cecily picked up a bite and fed it to him too.
"Try this, the appetizer's really tender, and it's perfect with the dipping sauce I mixed."
The two of them sat face to face, feeding each other like no one else existed.
Every bit a couple in the first rush of love.
And I, the actual girlfriend,
I was the outsider who didn't fit.
All I could do was stand in the corner and watch them murmur to each other.
I used to think that for all the years left to me, Amos and I would be together forever.
I'd already planned out our ten years, our twenty, our forty...
But a year ago, after Cecily's breakup and she moved in to share the place with us, everything changed.
A world that had held two people got a third crammed into it.
Meals had to include Cecily.
Shopping had to include Cecily.
Trips had to include Cecily...
The way Amos put it,
Cecily was pitiful enough already after her breakup.
If we didn't bring her along too, how heartbroken would she be.
And so, bringing her along, and along, and along,
I turned into the third person, the one squeezed out.
Two people in love is just right. Add one more and it's a disaster.
Since I'd been squeezed out, I no longer wanted to force my way back in.
