I used to love wearing dresses more than anything. By the end I didn't even dare put on short sleeves.
It wasn't until today that I understood.
Four years of torment I never had to suffer at all.
I gritted my teeth and asked, "Nigel, if I die this time—"
He stroked my cheek. "Don't say things you don't mean. Even if you really die, I'll go with you."
I closed my eyes, holding back the swelling ache in my bladder, my back teeth grinding until I tasted rust.
"You'd better... keep that promise."
"So it's a life for a life?"
Maisie, who should have been focused on the surgery, cut in. "And what about me?"
"You saved my life. Of course you matter more than mine does."
Nigel's voice was all indulgence. "Whatever you want, just ask, and I'll give it to you."
"Really?"
Her voice lifted at the end, then sank again. "But I wanted to livestream this surgery, and you won't even let me."
"It's for your own good."
"Livestreaming is stressful. What if you slip up, and it wrecks your confidence?"
Maisie wouldn't let it go. "But my followers have never seen a craniotomy, they all want to watch, and a livestream would definitely get me more subscribers."
"Please, Nigel, support my content career."
"I really can't win with you. If something goes wrong, don't come crying to me."
He actually took out his phone to start the stream, without once thinking to ask what I wanted.
Beneath the calm I was fighting so hard to keep, the pain had already pushed my sphincter past my control.
Even if I died, I would die with dignity.
Looking at the streaming equipment already set up, I clenched my jaw and forced the words out through my teeth.
"I don't agree to this."
Nigel didn't pause, his hands still moving.
"Just this once. When it's over, you can have any wedding you want."
"Traditional or Western, here or overseas, whatever you say."
My unfocused eyes settled on his face. "Nigel, our wedding, is that just a bargaining chip to you?"
"You don't actually... love me at all, do you?"
For four years I'd doubted whether fate had cheated me, whether some cruel joke was being played, I'd even doubted whether I just wasn't good enough, and that was why I'd been thrown into this world to suffer.
The one thing I never doubted was Nigel.
But just now, something came back to me.
Not long before I "crossed over," there was a car crash. I threw myself in front of Nigel to protect him, and a freight truck sent me flying.
Most of the bones in my body broke. My organs ruptured.
Before the ambulance came, he watched with his own eyes as I lay dying and my severed hand grew back, and the parts too deep to see seemed to be rebuilding too.
The moment I stood up without a scratch, I saw the shock and the wild joy in his eyes, clear as day.
From that day on, he was even better to me.
So good there wasn't a crack in it, and he took me in for a full-body examination.
I was naive enough to think he was just afraid of losing me again.
Now I understood.
Back then Maisie had shelved her medical dream because of her own health, sunk in her failure to get anywhere.
And me, with a kidney type that matched hers perfectly and a body that regenerated, I was practically made to order for her.
My voice was very soft. "You even hate me, don't you? That's why you can be this cruel to me."
He was silent for a long moment. When he spoke, his voice was calm.
"Faith, how could I hate you? If you want to blame someone, blame your own loose ways, for costing us our child."
"These four years were a chance for Maisie to practice. And a punishment for you."
"Don't worry, the punishment is almost over. Once we're married, I'll treat you the way I used to."
I laughed. I laughed until the laughter turned into tears.
