"Those excuses of yours, maybe I'd have believed them once. But why is it that with Elaine, every principle you have, every rule, just disappears?"
Russell's brow knotted tighter.
"What's your rush?"
His voice was thick with impatience.
"Just apply again next year. Your record speaks for itself. Tenure isn't going anywhere if you wait one more year!"
The cold spread from my chest out into my limbs.
I knew arguing was useless, and still I couldn't stop myself from asking.
"Then why can't Elaine be the one who applies again next year?"
"You won't let anyone see we're together, but why do you hold her to one standard and me to another? You two can meet in private, act close in front of everyone without a second thought for what our colleagues think—"
Everything I'd swallowed came pouring out at once.
Russell's patience ran dry, and he cut me off, his voice cold.
"He and I have a working relationship. What's the point of comparing yourself to that?"
"Keeping it quiet was something you agreed to a long time ago!"
He always did this, dodging sideways, talking around everything.
I stared into his eyes and couldn't find a trace of regret or guilt in them.
"I agreed because I thought you'd at least be fair."
The ache kept rising in my throat, and I paused.
"But your favoritism toward Elaine is there for everyone to see."
Russell didn't answer. His phone rang, and the moment he picked up, the voice that had been so irritated a second ago went soft.
"Elaine, I already sent that defense framework to your email."
"Anything you don't understand, just ask me anytime."
3.
Elaine's sweet, cooing voice came through the receiver.
"Russell, it's all because I'm so slow, making you worry like this…"
My chest heaved hard, and even my breathing turned rough.
That small sound was all it took to displease him.
"Can you move somewhere else? You can't control your own emotions, and now you have to disturb other people?"
Russell switched masks like a stage performer, and when he spoke again, it was nothing but tenderness and care.
"Elaine, you have real potential."
"With me here, you don't need to worry about the second round."
In that moment, the hold Russell had on my heart began to loosen.
The next day in the cafeteria, I had just set down my breakfast and found a seat.
Then I heard a few teachers I barely knew clear their throats behind me, deliberately raising their voices to embarrass me.
"Tsk, tsk. Always going all out, always shoving her way to the front. Wasn't it all just to make the rest of us look bad? Never thought a university campus would turn into a rat race too."
Another voice couldn't hold back its mockery.
"Cut in the first round. How humiliating."
"She acts all proud and above it all, but I saw right through it. Every time our young dean walks past, her eyes lock onto him and won't move an inch."
"Thinks a pretty face buys her special treatment? Watching her get cut felt so good."
The gossip crawled into my ears, and instead of anger, I saw things clearly.
The favored one always has ground to stand on, while someone like me, hidden away in the dark corner, is left for others to pick apart.
Russell had never once been protecting me.
I bit into my breakfast sandwich. The filling was rich, and yet my tongue couldn't taste a thing.
